Carer

Care, Carer, Caring, Cared

Recently a friend asked me how I had coped during the twenty four years of living in the same house as my now departed, Mother in Law. All I can truthfully say is that I did just about cope, barely. It was only the last few years that got difficult, and then a couple of years that got progressively more difficult to the point in the last eighteen months, that it was very close indeed, to unbearable. The person enquiring was newly placed in the position of taking care of a close relative after the death of their marital partner and this only brought about then, because the surviving parent had then suffered a stroke, making them completely dependant on a ‘From this day onward’ basis.

A family has to make their own choice as to whether they will continue to look after their elderly relatives themselves or  firmly, and maybe wisely, stand back a step and support them as they are taken into a home. It seems the sensible thing to do when you have a very busy professional life yourself, because let there be no doubt, it is a life changing commitment taking on that carer role yourself.

When you watch the parent going into a home for the elderly, you can be assured that they will be correctly cared for, with all the daily needs attended to. They will be given regular meals, washed, waited on and medically overseen professionally. They will get everything they need, everything that is, except love. They will get kindness, but not love.

My own mother came to stay with us for a couple of months after my father died but quite quickly wanted to get back to her own home, even though we had made it clear that she was welcome. Being an outspoken person, she said that she didn’t like our meal times, she didn’t like our food; it was too fancy and we didn’t cook the vegetables how she liked them. We went to bed too early and we got up far too early. She missed her sisters in her home town of Worthing and her friends and neighbours. She did not feel comfortable and wanted to go home.

She was not a well woman, but could still walk on her own and straight as a poker at that. There was no arguing with my mum, she stood straight and she spoke straighter. After settling her back in her house, she told me that it would be enough if I went over to check on her and do her shopping, pick up washing and any jobs that she could not manage, just a couple of times a week. Of course it was a bit harder for me, even though she only lived eight miles away, because of the time going back an forth but it worked reasonably well until she was taken in to hospital with renal failure toward the end. In my opinion, she helped that to progress, by not drinking any where near enough, because then, she would have another trip to the toilet. That was her story anyway, and a lot of old people fall foul with that problem, due to cutting down on trips to the loo. The painful truth was she would be happy to see her husband, my dear old dad, again as soon as possible.  She survived him by just eighteen months.

What ever you try to do, it will still be painful and nothing will run smooth. All I can say is that I cared as best I could for our elderly family members. Having had, it’s true, a very unpleasant time of it as their health went slowly down hill.

 It became a full time effort just keeping up with soiled washing and the mess of accidents on the way to the bathroom, that are, without doubt, so humiliating for the poor soul suffering them, without them feeling doubly horrible because somebody has to deal with it. It is quite shocking and at those times you do sometimes wish you had taken the nursing home option, and then feel mean because you even thought that.

However;  a year and a bit after my mother in law died at the age of ninety four, after a quite short stay in hospital. I am beginning to feel better and I am getting over the guilt I suffered for a while because I felt that I was not always as patient as I could have been. What I know now is, that I did my best beyond what was my ‘Duty’ if you like, and gave my time and I gave her companionship and love.

Caring for an elderly relative should not be taken on lightly. It takes courage and patience and a big block out of your life. We must all make our own decision bearing in mind how it affects the rest of the family.

The following poem was written during the last six months of caring for my mother in law. I don’t think it shows me in a flattering light, but it does show the degree of stress I felt. I do thank our cousin Sally, who would come to visit and chat with her aunt, whilst I had a couple of hour’s peace, generally taken in the grounds and gardens of Arundel Castle a few miles away from home, scribbling in my note book and enjoying the quiet and beauty of the surroundings. 

Going Dark 

If one is not a natural nurse type

Then it can get hard.

It can get very wearing.

It can get to the point where,

 It is almost impossible,

For the one who sadly, feels stuck

In a situation forced upon them.

Who feels, rightly or wrongly,

And I doubt that it is wrong,

That their own life

Is constantly,

Day by day being pressed

Closer and closer into a hold pattern;

The press ganged carer.

And without even the King’s shilling!

There is no reward,

Only an exceptionally high cost.

Unpaid forced into service.

Staff,

For that is what they have become,

Will feel unavoidably resentful.

The resentful feeling will increase

Exponentially.

Out of control.

They are trying desperately

To hold on to a life of their own

But are being made

to feel guilty for that.

Constantly made to feel

That they are wrong.

Wrong for trying not to be

Totally trampled underfoot.

Anything that is done

Simply for needs of their own,

Is held up for examination,

As if, they are the selfish one.

When the compulsory carer

Needs to take a break,

It is treated as though

It is an unforgivable sin

To the invalid, and by the invalid.

The only way

To make the one who is cared for

Totally happy is

Is to completely submit to their will

Thereby giving up any hope

Of maintaining an independent life

Giving up any intention

Of keeping a free will. 

For this reason it is essential

That regular breaks be taken

Complete breaks.

Totally out of contact breaks.

‘Going Dark’

As the crime writers put it.

And for long enough amounts of time

For the dictator invalid

To get the message.

Though that will not happen.

The message also needs to be

Accepted as necessary

By the press ganged carer,

Without any feelings of guilt.

Mmm! That won’t happen either.